i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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