It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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