I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize