Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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