If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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