strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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