$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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