In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
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Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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