Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
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I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
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She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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