There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
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at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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