I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
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So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
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I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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