worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
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Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
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There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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