i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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