Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize