i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
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just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
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Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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