I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
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you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
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I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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