I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
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Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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