he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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