Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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