atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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