Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
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I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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