You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
please come you make the beer taste better
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize