But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
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Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
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I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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