Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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