I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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