I will die if light touches me.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize