I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
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Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
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I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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