I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
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He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
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There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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