so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
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Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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