Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
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I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
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Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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