also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
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If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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