A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
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I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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