i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
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Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
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But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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