I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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