he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
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That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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