When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
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It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
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Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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