watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
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he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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