I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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