I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
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I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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