So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
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Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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