omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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