Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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