Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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