at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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