I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
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I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
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watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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