yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
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The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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