Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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