I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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