Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize