I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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